My boyfriend is an alcoholic.

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2021.12.03 01:29 TheClassicMadonna My boyfriend is an alcoholic.

Sorry in advance for the longest post I’ve ever written. Maybe.
I (F28) have been with my partner (M37) for a year. He is struggling with alcoholism, he goes to therapy, and is working on this issue. Although I notice he has made huge changes to his consumption of alcohol there are still days, at least once every 2 weeks, when I will come home from work to him absolutely canned. We always argue after as I tell myself each time will be the last. He doesn’t want me to take it so personally, “he’s not spitting in my face.”
I know this is a disease but I have a fear of building my life with someone who wakes up every morning so angry about the responsibilities that come with being a father to his son (my SS6) and a partner to me. He has told me on many occasions his alcoholism comes from him absolutely not wanting to carry the burden of life. He says if he were to listen and act according to how he felt in his mind, he wouldn’t have a son or a partner in his life. He would just fuck off of life and responsibility and drink his life away only having to worry about himself. But he will say that it is an awful way to feel, and that he would be all alone. And he doesn’t know why he feels that way sometimes. I can see he is often in a very dark place. I can’t obviously help him.
Fast forward to this week. I was desperate. The housing situation is bad in the area I live and some places are asking for 1,000 to rent a room in a house with roommates. But I had come home to him drunk and so I called my friend so I could vent, I was at my wits end with his disassociating. She offered me a room in her house. She owns two properties, the one she stays at out of state and the one she offered to let me stay at. She only uses the house when she is in town managing her businesses which is only a couple times a year. She said it could allow me to save a little more and find my own inner peace. I don’t know who I am anymore outside of his addiction. I don’t go anywhere unless I know he is at work or with his son. I’ve built my life to do something completely out of character for me. I have become paranoid of everything and every smell. And I feel like I scrutinize his every word, movement, and trips to the store! He usually only gets really drunk on Sunday after he’s had his son for a few days and after his son is dropped off at his mother’s.
Well she had a key made for me, I placed it in my clear purse that I use for work because I picked it up right after my shift. Another day passed and I’m cooking dinner and he comes home from work, sober I assume. He didn’t seem drunk but I’m not too sure anymore. I had left my work purse on the counter and he asked me what was the deal with the key in my purse. It was in a small plastic bag from Ace hardware. I wished I had just told him it was for work. And I wished I had allowed him to take some time to settle in from working all day before I told him the truth. I feel guilty about it in retrospect. But I told him the truth that it was was like my ultimatum, in a way. I told him I would never be okay with his drinking and I obviously never have been. So I spoke to a friend for help BUT I am not leaving, I want to work on this relationship and heal individually but I cannot come home to him drunk anymore. It just breaks my heart every time. I need to have a plan for me and my dog if this proves too much for me.
I’m tired of selfishly trying to make him fit into my expectations and both of us feel disappointed when he can’t meet them. It’s not fair to either of us. I told him I wanted us to have a goodnight and not let it loom over us like the sword of Damocles. I just needed another option so he knows I’m not just going to keep saying this time is the last time. It’s been a year. He has always said that a relationship is new to him. He’s always been alone and he didn’t expect to fall in love with me when we met. He thought I’d see the flaws and run. See the baggage, his son, His son’s mom who is also an alcoholic. And that I’d be scared away. I have been here trying to learn how to support him and I know I’m not doing a good job.
Naturally he acted very weird all night. He didn’t speak to me very much. I could tell from his body language I really hurt his feelings. I tried to talk to him but he said nothing was wrong and he wasn’t trying to make a big deal out of it. I didn’t believe him but I let it go. I am now worried he has taken it out of context because he asked me if I still wanted to move when our lease is up, because we have been looking for a new apartment for a few months now. Of course I do. I want our lives to move on from this alcoholism and this apartment where I’ve gone to bed broken hearted and anxiety riddled many nights. And I again told him this is just for me so I can feel safe. I need a plan. Right? I feel crazy unreasonable writing this. I knew he had this issue when I met him. I know how addiction works to some degree. I don’t know why I let myself believe I could be enough to fill his void by offering him a family. I’d like to think I’m smarter than that. I just want someone to tell me they’ve been through this and it gets better. I don’t know what to do. He isn’t violent when he’s drunk so I stay and stay. But I want a family, the one I feel I have when he is sober and we’re eating dinner and watching cartoons with his son. I feel like my answer is here I just lack the courage of my convictions.
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